Christmas Time in Here....

You know it's Christmas when:

People damn near ram into your car in the parking lot to swoop into a parking space before you.

Those same people smile and nod at you in the store because of the Christmas spirit.

When all of the parking lots are full. Everywhere.

When all of Lifetime's movies have the same plot, only set in the month of December and instead of the movies starring Delta Burke, they feature cute funny blondes like Jenny McCarthy.

When every weekend is filled with parties.

When the office Administrative Assistant wears a Christmas sweater to work everyday....even when it's 90 degrees out.

When A Christmas Story is on TBS all day on Saturday. And Sunday.

When my weight watchers meetings are filled with people I've never seen before.

When me and mom are headed to see Stevie Wonder.

Add yours:

A funny kind of proud

So yesterday, history was made yes? To everyone, this milestone means something different. To some, it means their hopes become reality. For some it means their dreams came true. For some it means their preferred candidate didn't win. For some it means change is coming. For some it means anything is possible. For me it means an end to everything I ever thought was "just the way things are."

As an African American, I don't think this gives me the right to call it the Black House, I don't think this means I won't get followed the next time I enter that dinky little fake ass plus sized Forever 21 knock off store that I go in sometimes for cheap sweaters. I don't think this means that globally, our America has progressed to "where we should be"....I'm not the eternal cock-eyed optimist in that way. What I do believe however, is that there is indeed a dawning of something inexplicable. There is something remarkable about being moved to tears by politics...being moved to tears by public events not tragic or devastating to others.....(well, according to the check-out lady at my preferred grocery market it is a tragedy (she didnt think I could hear her when she told a frequent customer in front of me how "dissapointed she is that something like this could happen").....needless to say I'll wait behind 50 penny-paying, expired coupon using, discount catfood buying grannies before I ever step foot in her line again - my choice). Digressing.

One of few points I move to make is, African Americans (and many other ethnic minority groups for that matter) have a collective identity. It's not us....it's we. (Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer - I know there is temptation to take one thing someone says as law on behalf of an entire group, but this is just one woman's views...thanks kids). But when Halle and Denzel win an Academy Award, we all feel like we win an academy award. When we find out a man who's been picking people off from a distance with a sniper riffle is Black, we collectively cringe in shame and shock and when a Black man becomes the president of the United States just 50 short years after (50...think about it....about as long as some of your parents have been on the earth...NOT long at all) Blacks were prohibeted from marrying Whites....Just 50 short years after women being denied the right to vote....Just 50 short years after needing a LAW passed to be able to access schools that afforded everyone an equal shot at a quality education and thus quality facilities....Just 50 years after the harsh reality of a differnt America....we celebrate....Collectively, as we feel we've all touched something previously thought to forever be beyond our grasps.

Do all Black people feel this way? No. Do some White people, and Latinos, and Middle Eastern, and African, and Asian, and other people feel this way? Absolutely. We've all touched something we could never imagine gracing our fingertips, and it feels like nothing before. It feels like hope. It feels like the next time I talk to someone in person that I speak to on the phone first, they won't greet me in shock with, "you're LLENAHS? Oh my, you're so articulate." (As opposed to what? A poodle?) It feels like the next time someone outside of my race is attempting to connect with me he won't say, "Oh It's cool, on my football team back in high school they used to call me Wigger," (White + Nigger) It feels like the next time I'm in Woodranch and I borrow BBQ sauce from the White man at the next table and return it, he won't push it to the edge and ask the server for a new bottle. It feels like these things, but it doesn't believe like these things. And may never be these things.

For my skeptics, or my eternal hopefuls, or my people who just HATE discomfort and meeting truths and owning their priveleges I know you may be squirming, or have already tuned out by now and that's fine. But to those of you who know, or care, these are my, and so many other people's realities. Does that make anyone in particular the "bad guys?" Nope. But you have to beg my pardon when I don't subscribe to, "Now there are no more excuses." Excuses for what? For captivity and 400 years of enslavement? Maybe. Maybe not. And by excuses do you mean reasons? Justifications? Allowances? Or complaints you're tired of hearing? Probably. Probably not. I don't know what change he'll bring to the White House, or to our economy, but I do know he's brought about a change for what is feasible, what is plausible, and what is possible. He's made me believe in something I'd never put much stock in....America. And while that may anger some, especially those who subscribe to the love it or leave it philosophy I might argue that I don't think I was ever supposed to be here in the first place. I will also argue that this country, your country, my country, has participated in acts that are not worthy of your support. No matter how far removed we are....50 years or 100 years (both, not very long in the scheme of time) are enough to erase memories of theft, enslavement, or genocide....sorry. And in that way, I agree with our First Lady Elect. I am proud of this country. I'm proud of the strides taken. I'm proud of the eyes opened. I'm proud of the chance taken. And I'm hopeful for whatever further change might be on the horizon.

So how old am I?

Yesterday, I went to LA High to pick up my baby sister....from her SATs!!!! OMG! How old am I when I VIVIDLY remember going to take my OWN SATs....like it was yesterday! (Extremely tired and COMPLETELY unprepared as I'd been out late the night before at homecoming - where I LOST the race for Queen btw, spinning across and then flying off of the freeway with four screaming cheerleaders in my rented car, and then spending the night at my then crush's - now husband's - house and staying up all night talking about my near death experience. Yes, really good story, I'll tell you sometime). But I remember it vividly none the less. So how the hell old am I when the little sister who was 8 and missing teeth - lots of teeth - at the time just took her own SATs yesterday?

In honor of debate night!

This is a helarious vlog done by Diddy - thought I'd share in honor of debate night! Me and the girls are getting together tonight to watch over dinner...and of course wine....everyone has their coping mechanism - here's Diddy's.

a rabid creature is holding me hostage

So an age old debate in my house is that I REFUSE to take out the trash. That's DATs job, a man's job. Now, before you go all woman's lib on me, I was raised in a house of all women. My mother was a single parent raising two girls. Her mother was a single parent raising two boys and a girl. In that house, the two boys took out the trash. In the house in which I was raised, I may as well have been a boy because I took out trash morning noon and night. (My mom *dramatization - rabid squirrel may or may not have red glowing eyes

has a thing about odors and trash causes odors, thus out with the trash......all of it, any time, any amount) I don't live with my mother anymore, so trash is now sis's job. Oh well, sucks for her.

But I vowed, when I finally started shacking up with some guy, HE was taking out the trash. Daily, sometimes several times daily I might add. So yes, I have unfortunately inherited my mother's freakish sense of smell (I also can hear and see freakishly well). So I walk into the kitchen this morning all set to make that breakfast I was telling you about and I IMMEDIATELY smell the rank coming out of the trash. The VERY trash DAT didn't take out last night after dinner. Phew. I almost pass out, but I manage to pick up the whole damn can and put it outside of the door. Terribly tacky yes, but no one can really see and I really don't give a damn ESPECIALLY as far as my home's odor is concerned.

So I'm all set to give DAT a good talking to when he gets home but later in the day I have to go outside to throw something away. I open the door and there's trash EVERYWHERE and holes in the bag. I look around and there's a rabid creature at the bottom of the stairs looking at me and aparantly waiting for me to go back in the house because as soon as I scream and run, I look out the window and he's managed to scurry his mangy ass back up to my door to finish his shopping. I tap on the glass and he stops, looks at me and turns back to his business. So far today he's come and gone as he's pleased. And DAT has been yelled (CAPLOCK texts) and I have to run to the market, but in the meantime I'm being held hostage by this rabid creature and dinner will have to wait.

No I'm not bringing the can in the house for two reason. One, the shit stinks. Two, now it's got creature germs on it and if you think I dont do odors, you have NO idea how I feel about germs...

Passion runs deep

Isn't it great when you find your passion in life? Your calling? I know I've found mine within the world of Student Affairs and with each new experience I gain under my belt, I love it more and more. I love my students, I love retreats (ESPECIALLY when they're over and I can look back on them. I'm not a roughing it kind of girl, but a good weekend long retreat here and there is always good). And I love conferences where students come together and further their interests!

We held the C&OR Conference on Saturday and because it is hosted by my office, my supervisor asked that I present one (or more) workshops. I chose to lead a workshop on Diversity Awareness within Campus and your Organization and I also lead a Forum for Black Clubs & Orgs. This was my true area of stress - I didn't know if any of the Black/African American student leaders would show up, find it useful, participate, engage, or stay in the forum for that matter. My supervisor was supposed to join me and stay for moral support, but ended up not being able to break away from prepping for her own workshop, so I was on my own.....and LOVED IT! The students sat in a circle and I'd written my four discussion points on butcher paper around the room. I asked everyone to gravitate to the discussion point they were most drawn to and just write. This was perfect in allowing us to facilitate discussion. EVERYONE shared, contributed, acknowledged one another, waited their turn, agreed or disagreed respectfully, and fed off of one another's engergy. Of course 50 minutes in not enough for student leaders to diagnose what they feel to be their biggest challeneges, let alone resolve them together, and that was the biggest dissapointment of the workshop.

The best part was afterwards - reading my presenter evaluations! Everyone wanted more, more time, more forums, more togetherness and opportunities to bridge gaps within their community of Black student leaders. It was amazing. From the best part stems the next part - that I've been given the go-ahead by my department to host a Black Clubs and Orgs Forum monthly to help these student leaders bridge their gaps, facilitate discussion and provide opportunities for networking and collaborative programming. I sent the email out yesterday letting those in attendance know and I've been getting awesome feedback from the students! It's awesome.

This is how I know I've found my passion and it runs deep. Here I am, a 2nd year grad student who literally, could not and should not be squeezing ONE MORE THING onto my plate, but I dont even care. I want to do this for these students and fill this void. I love it.

Culminating Conundrom

I have today off because of the all day C&OR Conference on Saturday (geesh). So I'm sure you think that means sitting around all day, lounging, relaxing, clearing my DVR box...right? WRONG! It means sitting in my diningroom (which is not my favorite place because it receives absolutely NO natural light, but happens to be the only place I can truly focus on writing comfortably without distractions.....hence in the computer room right now and blogging), and writing, writing, writing until my carpel tunnel begs for mercy. Its culminating activity time - no, not thesis, but comps. Still tons and tons and tons of writing. This is the price you pay for getting an advanced degree -they are truly making me work for it. But it's cool. Only 8 more months to go and then I'm done and we're gonna party like it's 1999 - more on that to come!

Anyway, just wanted to check in and say hey, I'm sad and writing while the rest of the world is living life. Ok, ok, I am gonna make myself a nice (and nutricious (a-la back on program with WW)) breakfast and watch just ONE episode of house hunters from my DVR. I will leave 90210, The Office, and GG untouched. And I know I said I was casting off GG as it failed to fill the void left by the OC, but I caught a glimpse last week and it was kinda saucy! So I'm giving it another go! God I can't wait for The Game to return - my current television line-up is SEVERELY lacking pigmentation!
Ciao

Blue (Crab) Monday

So DAT and I just returned from Maryland for a week of vacation and spending time with family and I've officially got the Maryland Blues. Yesterday was the first day of the Fall semester and also the first day of my new job (which I LOVE and will talk more about later) but in the meantime, getting on the plane and leaving MD was super hard. It usually is, and I struggle with it each time. Since I was 7, every trip to the airport to return to Los Angeles was filled with an internal *painting by Annie Lee "Blue Monday"struggle to turn around and run back to the car and ask to stay....

Now everyone will say, and are very correct in saying, there is no place like Los Angeles. California is indeed a different breed and a pretty awesome place for all it's worth - but when I think back on much of my childhood bliss, (and it was blissful), those memories are centered around summers in Baltimore with lightening bugs, creeks and catching salamanders, long bike rides to the neighborhood pool and then longer bike rides to nowhere, baseball games in big empty fields surrounded by tall-grass, a 9:00 curfew at 9 years old because there simply was no reason to be in the house, playing house in my favorite tree, freeze tag, snow-cones, sandwiches and chips for dinner, running like mad to catch the icecream truck before it left our street, trying desperately to get in the house before my grandmother called my name a second time...or God forbid a third, the tire swing, and serious games of double dutch that stopped traffic at the speedbump.

As I enter a stage of my life where I've got the mommy itch, I view all of life through a mommy-lense. When I look at California and the type of experiences it has to offer my children, it's over shadowed by the childhood I was lucky enough to have in Maryland. How can I want for them any less than I had? To say nothing of people who pass you on the street and are not afraid of the eye-contact that may happen as a result then even go so far as to say...."Hi" or "Good afternoon" to a complete stranger. To grow up in a world where elderly actually can use help across the street and you mow not only your lawn, but the lawn of the older single lady next door...and you don't charge for it. To know that my children playing outside are not only under my watchful eye, but those of my neighbors as well - to have them grow up in a place where it actually does take a village to not only raise a child, but to cultivate a sense of ownership and community is my ultimate hope for my children.

Now to all you Cali lovers who will read this and say, "So are you saying this can't happen in California? I raised my children here perfectly fine," I will in reply say, to each his own and get over yourself. You may very well be correct in terms of what happened to you and your children, but what I want for my children has no bearing on your experiences.

Now if only DAT would read this and feel as moved as I do. He's a Cali-kid born and raised. Just my f 'in luck.

Summer Kinda' Feel

Ok, we know summer is officially here cuz I'm back at The Office. I am looking forward to this time to spend with my girls and my guys in what is probably (until kids roll around) my farewell performance! I love what I do and I love who I do it with (that's what she said). But how can you leave all this:

Trick knees & Stacked boxes
Blond wigs & Super buenos
Scratch paper & shredding
Water jugs & tools to keep writing straight
Margaritas & guacamole
Dodger games
Cards
Grass
Breeze
Carpet stains & carpet cleaner
Lysol spray & the lights off
Moms that I love
Dads that are funny
Kids who think they're staff
Air mattresses
Game nights
PB&J when I get home from work - ha!
Waiting for someone to say the word hammer so we can sing
girls nights
sushi
girls nights that end up with the guys
us nights
My friends at the pizza place
Schedule changes
Sharpies & Lists
Gettin smart on the walkie cuz we ain't face to face
Riggidies (re-calls)
Jizzidies (jacked ups)
Biggidies (bounces)
People wondering what I do all day
Time that will last for years
F this place
Bio freeze
Birds on a pirch
Short shorts
You must've been a beautiful baby
Bar, bar baby
Me loving my job and those I do it with, and having 8 years of memories to take with me to the next stage in my life.

I ♥ camp

ELF

I got an email that my ELF order shipped, you guys should be getting yours soon!

Retreat to your mutual corners

So I'm all retreated out! I can't spend another weekend facilitating discussions, treking, tracking, assessing, monitoring, answering questions, or boosting the group spirit! I am done! I came home and took a five hour nap to "make up" for the two weekends I've gone sleep-less and it was AMAZING.

I am so excited about the future I have in student affairs, but these two retreat weekends in a row were completely at a hustle! I learned so much, and definitely put myself out there, but with that comes the mental tax of evaluating and re-evaluating, (or at least for me it does because just in case you don't know, I'm somewhat of a perfectionist), just how much I'm putting myself out there. I took risks this weekend and from them I know I grew. I got to spend the weekend with one of my bestest buds Mez

(Hilarious exerpt from a convo between Mez and I:
Me: While you guys were talking did he say anything about being madly in love with me and wanting to have my babies?
Mez: Yes, I actually do remember him saying something like that.)

I slept on a plastic mattress in a sleeping bag a la Y&G and Res Camp, (this is a weekend after a retreat at the Disneyland Paradise Pier Hotel sleeping in a queen size bed by myself...not in a barn...literally, a barn...with 10 other people!), ate family style, drank the sweetest "punch" I've ever had in my life (yes I've had Kool-Aid, this shit was WAY sweeter), I hiked, I laughed, I didn't shower, I got bit six times, I spit out punch from more laughter, I stayed up late at night writing Affirmations to my students and friends, got some in return

(A few of my favs:

• Love you!
• Your honesty and commitment to your own personal growth is commendable
• I can actually see you as I'm writing this right now, you're enjoying your nachos so much you dont know you have nacho cheese on your chin -LOL
• Damn you for writing me an affirmation. Sigh, you are always feeding off my funny and making it even funnier! Not Fair!
• Please continue to be in my life because only positive people allow me to shine
• Thank you for this weekend, you were the driving force behind our group spirit, you're beautiful)

OMG. After that, have I any doubt that (sweaty shower-less bug infested retreats aside) this is the field for me? Who doesn't love ego-stroking (all you comment whores out there know what I'm talking about), but more importantly than the ego stroking is really feeling the connections I've made and wanting more. Caring about my students and wanting to watch them grow. Knowing I made a difference in their weekend, and got to do it all while roughing it out with collegues and friends I love.

Thank God for life callings.

Marital Blisters

Yup, I've got 'em. I'm on the road somewhere between loving him to death, and then wanting to kill him. (both deal with his demise) Seriously, what a sweet person but at times, he's a few watts short of bright.

For all you girly girls out there!

All ELF (Eyes, Lips, Face) makeup is currently being sold for $1.00. I don't know how good the product is, but geesh it's a dollar! All of their makeup products are being liquidated because they have been bought out by Nordstrom and will be selling all their same products with Nordstrom on their labels instead of ELF. Check outthe website! Also, if you spend $15. you can use the coupon code CAROLINA for 50% off

www.eyeslipsface.com

Happy Shopping!

With Each Beat of my Heart

This is the magnificent words for decor design that appears above our bed - it's the lyric from my favorite Stevie Wonder song. I chose this because it's a sweet as sweet gets and truly how I feel about Tyus. If you've nevr heard the song, I definitely recommend it as a summer download - it'll make you fall a little deeper.

Honey, sweet,

I've got something to say to you in privacy

Something I'd like for you to hear and only your ears alone

Secretly, I've been admiring you intensely

So much so I'd like to settle down with you and make a home

You are my first breath, My first smileAnd my morning cup of tea

Yours is the love that I pray for before I go to sleep

And from the time I saw your face, I knew no other could erase

My loving you with each beat of my heart

Until the day I heard you speak, I didn't know that sound was sweet

Me hearing you in each beat of my heart

There's a time when playing ends, and the serious begins

Like the love that I felt from the start, with each beat of my heart

Honey, sweet I soared into a heaven's galaxy

So hypnotized was I from seeing all the magic in your eyes

So I bring to you what's been a lifetime fantasy

Of being with the only one who can create my paradise

You are my first breath, my first smile, and my morning cup of tea

Yours is the love that I pray for, before I go to sleep

From the time I saw your face, I knew no other could erase

My loving you with each beat of my heart

Until the day I heard you speak, I didn't know that sound was sweet

Me hearing you in each beat of my heart

There's a time when playing ends, and the serious begins

Like the love that I felt from the start, with each beat of my heart

SATC, cute

So one of the programming boards I help advise is putting on an SATC event tomorrow night. A roof-top "mocktail" party, SATC give aways from HBO (some really good stuff I'm mad I can't win) and then a bus ride to an exclusive theatre showing of SATC at the Arclight in Hollywood. It's dress to impress (cuz we know how much I love dressing to impress....) and free! Soooo cute! I think it's going to be a great event. A few of my cohort members and I are going and I think it's gonna be fun. What amazing events students put together - student affairs DEFINITELY has it's perks!

Speaking it into the Universe

So i was browsing blogs earlier today and came across something i found a little offensive, but without going into specifics, as it's that person's personal space and she is entitled to her thoughts, i won't disclose too much. In reading responses to that person's post however, i couldn't help but note the reassurance (and what almost seemed to be acalades) she received for a post that was probably offensive to several people on several levels.

This got me thinking about the first amendment to the Bill of Rights, freedom of speech. At some point, we decided free speech means saying whatever the hell we want without concern for where our words may land, and whom they may affect. Brings me to a word for which I have mixed feelings, feedback. Never more than over the course of this year have i realized that feeback is not one sided - there are two parts to giving feedback; the giving and the receiving. So often we get hopped up on saying what we have to say, thinking very rarely of the individual who may hear, or read what we have to say. Am i suggesting walking an eternal line of political correctness and holding onto your thoughts (me, the queen of speak first, think later?), no. What i am suggesting is that we measure the origin of our words. Are we speaking to hurt, to humor, to inform or simply to purge ourselves of thoughts too uncomfortable to keep to ourselves?

My mom always talks about speaking things into the universe - if you want good things to happen, you have to speak them into the universe or, don't put bad things into the universe. So i wondered what exactly that blogger was putting into the universe? I wonder about the things I sometimes put into the universe and how my words may be ill-received and sometimes even ill-intended....

That Red-Haired Hussy!

So I had a dream last night that was disturbing on so many levels.... In the dream I was me, age 27 but in high school, albeit "upper classman" high school where me being 27 was totally normal. (In telling this to my boss earlier he says, well that's just college - ok, fine, college but it felt a HELLOFA LOT like high school - lockers, the whole bit). So in this dream I'm dating a guy who happens to be the dean of students and assistant VP of Student Affairs at CSUN (for his sake and my embarrasment we'll call him W) W also happened to be his present age which I imagine has to be mid 50's. For those who need a visual, picture Richard Roundtree....still need a little more help? Ok, Shaft. W looks like Shaft. Yeah.

So I'm dating W, (who looks like Shaft), me 27, him 50-sumthin and we are the "it" couple on campus! He meets me at my locker, we eat lunch together every day, he drives me home from school - it's perfect! The only problem is (naturally) me. I'm a social butterfly who is attending to everything and everyone BUT this fine mutha(Shut yo' mouth)! So, he dumps me. Not publicly, very quiet, very easy, he lets me go. So quiet and easy that I don't even know about it until I see him with his new girlfriend, Molly Ringwald! Now, for all general purposes I would say I can't be mad at her, that I should've been mad at W, but that red-haired hussy knew we were together and she started dating him anyway! Don't get me started on W, who was kind enough to mail me an invitation to their wedding, which I attended (arially btw). I just remember looking down on their beautiful wedding thinking, those sonsabit**es!

Ok, so as a counselor (in training) I am supposed to be able to help my clients deduce meaning from the crap above, but I've got nothing. Now what's wrong with me when the girl sweet enough to play sugar in a movie about C&H is stealing my man....a man old enough to be my father? A man who happens to be the dean of students at my college? Who even knows what the dean of students at their college looked like? All I can say is, when I start dreaming about the dean as my love item I am DEFINITELY too wrapped up in school. Hooray for summer! (And by the way, Richard Roundtree does the real life W NO justice! He's a great looking guy, classy, smooth as eggs (afro and mustache a little 70's-ish) and he is highly respected in his field. I definitely look up to him, but don't know the next time I'll be able to look directly at him)

'Cuz I'm soooo deep (pshh)

I was thinking and thinking and thinking of what I'd call my blog when I finally decided to take it up again. The last one (years ago) was called In Progress. That was at the begining of (yet another) weight loss journey, finishing up my undergrad and looking into graduate schools, and so many other life changes that the title was fitting. This time around, I wanted something which noted the growth that's taken place over the years since last blogging and in my life in general.

I've never done more reflecting in my life as I have in my graduate program over the last year. Self reflection, assignment reflecting, behavior reflecting, reading reflecting, and no, it's not thinking...it's reflecting. With that, I've really placed a big emphasis on the difference between reflecting and thinking and as this blog is dedicated to my thoughts, (and because I'm often referred to as a human dictionary) I thought reflectionary would be a fitting title for my blog. I look forward to having my friends, (that's you), share in my reflections and promise to keep it informative, contemplative, and interesting! In exchange, I ask that you share your thoughts and opinions with me as well!

Enjoy!

So I'm here

I have been off of blogging for three years now - I was heavily into it and going really hard at it, but the domain I was using went public and that did NOT work for me, so I stopped. But the combination of all the new things happening in my life, (grad school, ZphiB, new career on the horizon, really coming to love my new field), my first year of grad school being done, my weight loss journey, and my friends getting into blogging (Mrs. Romero and Ging), I thought I'd get back into it at least as a release during the summer!

So here I am. A good (and talented) friend is putting together a blog layout for me and I'm super excited to see it! I'm looking forward to this summer of sharing my thoughts in my own private forum!