A funny kind of proud

So yesterday, history was made yes? To everyone, this milestone means something different. To some, it means their hopes become reality. For some it means their dreams came true. For some it means their preferred candidate didn't win. For some it means change is coming. For some it means anything is possible. For me it means an end to everything I ever thought was "just the way things are."

As an African American, I don't think this gives me the right to call it the Black House, I don't think this means I won't get followed the next time I enter that dinky little fake ass plus sized Forever 21 knock off store that I go in sometimes for cheap sweaters. I don't think this means that globally, our America has progressed to "where we should be"....I'm not the eternal cock-eyed optimist in that way. What I do believe however, is that there is indeed a dawning of something inexplicable. There is something remarkable about being moved to tears by politics...being moved to tears by public events not tragic or devastating to others.....(well, according to the check-out lady at my preferred grocery market it is a tragedy (she didnt think I could hear her when she told a frequent customer in front of me how "dissapointed she is that something like this could happen").....needless to say I'll wait behind 50 penny-paying, expired coupon using, discount catfood buying grannies before I ever step foot in her line again - my choice). Digressing.

One of few points I move to make is, African Americans (and many other ethnic minority groups for that matter) have a collective identity. It's not us....it's we. (Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer - I know there is temptation to take one thing someone says as law on behalf of an entire group, but this is just one woman's views...thanks kids). But when Halle and Denzel win an Academy Award, we all feel like we win an academy award. When we find out a man who's been picking people off from a distance with a sniper riffle is Black, we collectively cringe in shame and shock and when a Black man becomes the president of the United States just 50 short years after (50...think about it....about as long as some of your parents have been on the earth...NOT long at all) Blacks were prohibeted from marrying Whites....Just 50 short years after women being denied the right to vote....Just 50 short years after needing a LAW passed to be able to access schools that afforded everyone an equal shot at a quality education and thus quality facilities....Just 50 years after the harsh reality of a differnt America....we celebrate....Collectively, as we feel we've all touched something previously thought to forever be beyond our grasps.

Do all Black people feel this way? No. Do some White people, and Latinos, and Middle Eastern, and African, and Asian, and other people feel this way? Absolutely. We've all touched something we could never imagine gracing our fingertips, and it feels like nothing before. It feels like hope. It feels like the next time I talk to someone in person that I speak to on the phone first, they won't greet me in shock with, "you're LLENAHS? Oh my, you're so articulate." (As opposed to what? A poodle?) It feels like the next time someone outside of my race is attempting to connect with me he won't say, "Oh It's cool, on my football team back in high school they used to call me Wigger," (White + Nigger) It feels like the next time I'm in Woodranch and I borrow BBQ sauce from the White man at the next table and return it, he won't push it to the edge and ask the server for a new bottle. It feels like these things, but it doesn't believe like these things. And may never be these things.

For my skeptics, or my eternal hopefuls, or my people who just HATE discomfort and meeting truths and owning their priveleges I know you may be squirming, or have already tuned out by now and that's fine. But to those of you who know, or care, these are my, and so many other people's realities. Does that make anyone in particular the "bad guys?" Nope. But you have to beg my pardon when I don't subscribe to, "Now there are no more excuses." Excuses for what? For captivity and 400 years of enslavement? Maybe. Maybe not. And by excuses do you mean reasons? Justifications? Allowances? Or complaints you're tired of hearing? Probably. Probably not. I don't know what change he'll bring to the White House, or to our economy, but I do know he's brought about a change for what is feasible, what is plausible, and what is possible. He's made me believe in something I'd never put much stock in....America. And while that may anger some, especially those who subscribe to the love it or leave it philosophy I might argue that I don't think I was ever supposed to be here in the first place. I will also argue that this country, your country, my country, has participated in acts that are not worthy of your support. No matter how far removed we are....50 years or 100 years (both, not very long in the scheme of time) are enough to erase memories of theft, enslavement, or genocide....sorry. And in that way, I agree with our First Lady Elect. I am proud of this country. I'm proud of the strides taken. I'm proud of the eyes opened. I'm proud of the chance taken. And I'm hopeful for whatever further change might be on the horizon.

So how old am I?

Yesterday, I went to LA High to pick up my baby sister....from her SATs!!!! OMG! How old am I when I VIVIDLY remember going to take my OWN SATs....like it was yesterday! (Extremely tired and COMPLETELY unprepared as I'd been out late the night before at homecoming - where I LOST the race for Queen btw, spinning across and then flying off of the freeway with four screaming cheerleaders in my rented car, and then spending the night at my then crush's - now husband's - house and staying up all night talking about my near death experience. Yes, really good story, I'll tell you sometime). But I remember it vividly none the less. So how the hell old am I when the little sister who was 8 and missing teeth - lots of teeth - at the time just took her own SATs yesterday?